If 2012 was bad, I think 2013 was worse. Hopes and dreams piled up so high in the first 3 quarters of 2013 but everything just took a sharp turn, fell apart and shattered into razor-sharped pieces. I know this was not the worse case scenario but this was the first ever thorough heart broken experience I ever had. The emotional pillars that I could depend on had either vanished into the thin air or distanced. Dad is no longer physically here for me (but I believe he is still there in spirit). The guy, who I pinned my hopes for the rest of my life on, decided he cannot stand to spend the rest of his with me. My brother has more commitments that I can't overload him any more. My mum is my caretaker for daily needs but not my emotional needs and she is also my dependent now. There were time I unconsciously called out their names, seeking for helps to save me from breaking down. But the hard truth is, no one can help me. No one, other than myself.
Yes, I decided to come clean to myself now. Yes, I am destructed inwardly. Heartaches creep up to me every now and then that I feel like doing CPR on myself to revive my dying heart or simply just stabbing a dagger through to stop it entirely. Words, actions, items and places triggered the once-sweet-but-now-sour-bitter memories every single day. He had that effects on me but I doubt I had any on him. He is gone, never going to turn back and now embracing another girl. I felt used, betrayed and abandoned by a guy who didn't love me. I was too blinded by love. It is a painful lesson and I shall learn from it.
There is no turning back. I can never go back to that naive girl who believed friends and love so easily without doubt. Now, the scar constantly reminds me to be caution. I cannot imagine how I will ever believe a guy again to not abandon me, protect me and love me wholeheartedly.
In hindsight, I still know that I'm lucky and loved by family and friends. If he decided to break this news only 5 years later, I think I will be in a state of total meltdown and really beyond repair. It is bad now but there is still a chance of recovery. I just need more time. Hopefully, there will be this man in the future, who will come into my life, hold me dearly, love me and protect me. As for now, God, Guan Yin Ma, family and my close friends, please let thw selfish me to hold onto you a bit longer.
2013 was also a year of achievements. I went to Japan and Hong Kong. I took up several courses like public speaking, slide designing, ISO 9K & 14K audit and QECP. I completed Japanese Advance 1 with a placement of 36 in the level and took JLPT 3 even though I was ill prepared. Last but not least, I initiated and drove the whole house renovation work.
Below is the close-out for the resolutions set for 2013
1. Bring Mummy to overseas (Taiwan or HK) - completed
2. JLPT N3 certificate - passed, 68%
3. Maintain my weight at 51-53 kg - 75% of the time
4. Exercise once a week - 60% of the time
5. Bless Yew Thong in getting a job in investment banking - he got a job in banking but his is no longer my business
6. Obtain recognised certification for EHS - ISO auditor course
Moving forward to 2014, I hope I can achieve some of the below:
1. Know more about myself, what I like and what I want in life. Learn more about my strengths, weaknesses and priority in life.
2. Travel alone in Japan and climb mount Fuji
3. Participate in a 10km run
4. Learn how to play 2 songs with violin
5. Learn how to cook 10 dishes/desserts
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