Marriage

Today, I attended a friend's soleminisation. This made me pondered a bit on the topic "Marriage".

"for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, 'till death do us part."

Most of us focus on the preparation of wedding but how many of us are really prepared for marriage. It is a life long commitment that is not merely about signing that piece of paper, but to really support and accompany each other in wealth, in poor, in sickness and in health. It is always easy to say than to be done. How to love someone so much that you will go the extra mile for that person, care for that person and protect that person?

Looking back at my failed relationship. I do agree that both of us were not mature enough in the relationship. We were both selfish, only looked at things that we want/like and lacked of consideration. Bad experience had taught me well and I grew from it. Someone who love you, will find all ways and means to do something for you. Someone who does not love you, will only find excuses (This applies to myself too). 

The young me was really foolish. Tried my best to accommodate but someone just took it for granted and decided to let me go "for my own good". He really gave excuses whenever I needed him and even breaking up, he did not have the heart to chase me back. I just want to say, if it was really for my own good, you should have loved me, chased me back and protected me. But you didn't because you can't. 

This is not an emo post but more of "Well, this is life. We get shit sometimes." However, something that I'm actually sad about is that I won't be able to look at relationship like I used to. To be honest, I have lost great faith and trust in man. The next person who want to walk into my life, will have a hard time. Probably, if you can walk into my life, you will be the one. 

给自己的鼓励

今天，我一口气跑了4.8公里。中途很想放弃。可是脑海里一直在为自己打气。很庆幸自己没有放弃，证明给自己看 “我没你想象中的那么脆弱。我是行的。”

人生的旅程就是这样：漫长的岁月就像马拉松，有很多艰难想放弃的时候。别人可以帮你，别人也可以遗弃你。外在的因素是这么的难以捉摸，唯有自己最可靠。无论多想放弃，请告诉自己 “不要放弃我，我比你想象的还要坚强”。

伟灵上

七个月后

一眨眼，不知觉的过了七个月。偶尔还是会想到他，梦到他。有一次梦到他告诉我他回来了。我问他“你的女朋友呢？” 他说“没有在一起。” 醒来的时候，我挣扎了很久。分不清现时和梦境。过了一会儿，我告诉我自己，“他不会回来的。” 有时候还是会习惯性的想到和他天天聊天，听他说他的烦恼。可是想到一半，就会想到他当下因该是在跟另一个女生聊天，她在为他分忧。

不过，至少我的心不痛了。也知道是我幸运，没有和他在一起。

现在的我还在休息的状态。工作没有很拼命；教书当娱乐；日语当兴趣。周末有时间就会和朋友一起运动，吃饭，聊天。不然就呆在家里看戏。虽然乍看之下好像没有人生目标，但是可以这样的活在当下，活在自己的世界，何乐而不为。

家装修好了，渐渐地多打扮了，旅行（日韩）机票的买好了...我现在过得很好。对于感情，我没有抱有希望。我很难相信有哪一个男生会真心爱我，保护我，给我承诺并且遵守它。随缘吧。

[belated post] Bye Painful 2013. Hello Wonderful 2014

If 2012 was bad, I think 2013 was worse. Hopes and dreams piled up so high in the first 3 quarters of 2013 but everything just took a sharp turn, fell apart and shattered into razor-sharped pieces. I know this was not the worse case scenario but this was the first ever thorough heart broken experience I ever had. The emotional pillars that I could depend on had either vanished into the thin air or distanced. Dad is no longer physically here for me (but I believe he is still there in spirit). The guy, who I pinned my hopes for the rest of my life on, decided he cannot stand to spend the rest of his with me. My brother has more commitments that I can't overload him any more. My mum is my caretaker for daily needs but not my emotional needs and she is also my dependent now. There were time I unconsciously called out their names, seeking for helps to save me from breaking down. But the hard truth is, no one can help me. No one, other than myself.

Yes, I decided to come clean to myself now. Yes, I am destructed inwardly. Heartaches creep up to me every now and then that I feel like doing CPR on myself to revive my dying heart or simply just stabbing a dagger through to stop it entirely. Words, actions, items and places triggered the once-sweet-but-now-sour-bitter memories every single day. He had that effects on me but I doubt I had any on him. He is gone, never going to turn back and now embracing another girl. I felt used, betrayed and abandoned by a guy who didn't love me. I was too blinded by love. It is a painful lesson and I shall learn from it.

There is no turning back. I can never go back to that naive girl who believed friends and love so easily without doubt. Now, the scar constantly reminds me to be caution. I cannot imagine how I will ever believe a guy again to not abandon me, protect me and love me wholeheartedly.

In hindsight, I still know that I'm lucky and loved by family and friends. If he decided to break this news only 5 years later, I think I will be in a state of total meltdown and really beyond repair. It is bad now but there is still a chance of recovery. I just need more time. Hopefully, there will be this man in the future, who will come into my life, hold me dearly, love me and protect me. As for now, God, Guan Yin Ma, family and my close friends, please let thw selfish me to hold onto you a bit longer.

2013 was also a year of achievements. I went to Japan and Hong Kong. I took up several courses like public speaking, slide designing, ISO 9K & 14K audit and QECP. I completed Japanese Advance 1 with a placement of 36 in the level and took JLPT 3 even though I was ill prepared. Last but not least, I initiated and drove the whole house renovation work.

Below is the close-out for the resolutions set for 2013

1. Bring Mummy to overseas (Taiwan or HK) - completed

2. JLPT N3 certificate - passed, 68%

3. Maintain my weight at 51-53 kg - 75% of the time

4. Exercise once a week - 60% of the time

5. Bless Yew Thong in getting a job in investment banking - he got a job in banking but his is no longer my business

6. Obtain recognised certification for EHS - ISO auditor course

Moving forward to 2014, I hope I can achieve some of the below:

1. Know more about myself, what I like and what I want in life. Learn more about my strengths, weaknesses and priority in life.

2. Travel alone in Japan and climb mount Fuji

3. Participate in a 10km run

4. Learn how to play 2 songs with violin

5. Learn how to cook 10 dishes/desserts