ル君にﾌﾟﾗｲﾊﾞﾒｾイチ

あなたのこと　私は今でも思い続けているよと思い
言いたい事わかるでしょ?あなたのこと待ってるよ

Reflection

Reflection - the image you see in the mirror, is it your true self or your masks? It's a fact that everyone needs to wear different mask at different stituation. I can be nice to my friends and even do volunteery work. However, i just cannot be patient to one particular person. I just cannot tolerate his old-fashion, ego-centric mindset. Do you really think it's fun to argue at least once a week? Harmony breeds wealth, maybe that's the reason why we are stuck in today's state. I understand that your health is not longer the same 10 years ago, anything can happen. I really don't want to provoke you, so please, don't instruct me to do unreasonable things that i hate.
Next, i always ask people not to compare, but in fact, subconsciously, i compare the most. This was what i realised after a fruitful chitchat session with my bro and cousin (who is going to America next year for her Master for psycology). Our environment makes us who we are. I always feel more inferior as compared to my bro since he's the male child of the eldest son and can communicate well with elderly. Accompanied with better features and slight intelligence, he's the centre of attraction since young. He displayed leadership qualities since young. He's great, that's why i tried all my best to be the duplication of him. Becos i tried too hard, i lost my own identity somehow. That's the reason why friends are saying we are almost identical, that's why i'm known to be Qi Mei more. We went to the same primary school and had similar PSLE result. Then, i followed him to the same secondary school, same CCA, same instrument, same committee position, same subject combination and even duplicate a similar O'lvl results with the same L1R5. Then, i entered AJC too, joined the same CCA again, same instrument again, and took the position of SL too. The reason why i worked so hard for Alvl was becos he scored 3A1B, i told myself that i must get at least 3A so as to prove that i'm not inferior as compared to him. I always get yelled at by my mom tt my bro is always better and i'm as lazy as my father, which is seriously an insult. Some how she failed to see how hard i was trying to prove myself. She even told me to drop out from JC after my promo when i passed all my subjects, as she thought that it will be hard to support 2 undergraduates together and i was the lousier one. That's the kinda ans u would get if your age gap with your parents is ard 40years(the 重男轻女's mindset is deeply ingrained). Part of the reasons for going NUS was becos my bro is there. Up til now, my whole life is about following my bro's . Finally, now in NUS, there's nothing to follow, i'm on my own, break off from my bro, but i'm lost. I'm only starting to find my own identity at the age of 19. Doing things different from my bro, joining air rifle, CSC, learning japanese. But subconsciously, i'm still think that i'm more inferior...dunnoe why...are my reflection and the one all of you see the real me? Well, i'm still searching for answer.

今週

私の勉強は大変下手です。今ちょっと気もちがわるいです。どんな未来はわたしに待っていますか。とても心配です。友達も気持ちが悪いです。毎日友達と日本語で話したいですが、彼らは分りません。日本語は面白いですが、少し難しいですから、もっと練習しなければなりません。
昨日の晩ライファの練習へ行きました。私のシュウチイン結果はあまり下手ではありませんでしたから、とても嬉しいでした。テンシャンは高いです。(いやいやいや、「あまりへたではありません」じゃなくて、結果は9.5でしたから、「上手でした」を言いましょうか。ハハハ…）それではもっと練習してから、だんだん上手になります。自分で自信がありますよ！（これだけに）そして、chrisちゃんとwanjingちゃんにLRT駅で会って、chrisちゃんのうちへ寝にいきました。とても楽しい！

As requsted(not direct translation. btw, i have to apologise for writing in jap, It's due to a spur of moment and it's not 100% correct. Hahaha. ):
My studies suck. I'm feeling bad at the moment. What kind of future is awaiting for me? I'm so worried. My friends are feeling the same things too. I want to converse in Japanese everyday. It's interesting, but a bit difficult, so i must really practise more. Last night i went for air rifle's practice. i'm extremely delighted as my shooting result was not bad. I'm hyper at the moment! (no no no, it's not "not bad", since i scored 9.5/10 for my one-trial shoot out, shall i say tt i was good? hahaha) Therefore, with more practice, i get better eventually. I have confident in myself!　(only for this) Then, i met chris and wanjing at LRT station and went to chris house for sleepover. Damn fun!